Where’s My Fucking Endorphin Rush?
November 20, 2007 at 11:12 pm (Uncategorized) (endorphins, Fiskars, gym, ipod, LIAR, my gym playlist is kind of embarrassing, scissors, short people got no reason to be living, spandex, sweat, The Biggest Loser, working out)
I used to really dread physical activity, especially that performed at the gym. Since my 3.5 year old’s daycare is in a community center with a gym, and I’ve already paid for it, you’d think I spent some time there in the last three years.
Not so much.
See, I never got that fucking endorphin rush that I was promised. People who exercise are always going on about the stupid energy boost they get from physical activity. Me? Just tired and sweaty. I could come home from the gym and fall into a deep, stinking sleep. I never understood the appeal.
A couple of months ago my son decided that he needed to be buff. He’s short, so he thought he’d distract from that with sticking up hair and impressive biceps. I offered “going to the gym” as a potential family activity (well, for 2/3 of our family), and I probably cringed on the inside when he accepted my offer.
So we went to the gym. It still sucked. Until I noticed that my iPod improved the experience about 5,000%. And when a rocking song came on… whoo mama. Watch me go. Then, while walking slowly enough on a treadmill to barely raise my heartrate, I read a magazine article about a study that showed that the promised endorphin rush only came with a high impact, aerobic workout.
Oooooohhhhh. No shit? Really? That’s fucked up.
Yeah, they’re kind of right.
Here’s the two things that make me work out hard enough to hear the blood pounding in my ears: an iPod with awesome music (opinions of awesome music may vary), and watching The Biggest Loser. Try it.
Now I want to know why the fuck I feel firmer and better, but my clothes are tighter than ever. First person to say, “because you’ve gained muscle mass!” is a LIAR and will be stabbed in the eye with those blunt safety scissors. What? What brand scissors? Who cares? Jezus. Fiskars, if it’s so important to you. I’m going to stab you with Fiskars safety scissors.
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Corina said,
November 21, 2007 at 1:05 am
You ain’t gonna hear it from me! I hate exercise. It hurts my back injury and my knee injury. Somehow I can’t see hurting myself enough to end up on pain medication just to lose a pound after three hundred hours of some lame exercise!
Wanda Rizzuto said,
November 21, 2007 at 5:03 am
You can’t stab someone with safety scissors.
On my RSS feed it looks like the title of this post is “Where’s My Fucking?”
highwaters said,
November 21, 2007 at 6:20 am
Very excellent point, Wanda, healthenly canNOT stab someone with safety scissors. I like you.
(You totally didn’t even move to grab the safety scissors when I suggested that.) (I know, you were driving, but you didn’t try to ram the passengers’ side into a pole, either.) (Thank you!)
If not the muscle mass, then it’s because you’re brimming with so much heath and hotness that your clothes simply cannot contain it all.
That’s not a terrible reason. I want that reason.
Bobby Goat GRUFF! said,
November 21, 2007 at 6:47 am
Oh! That is interesting.
Here’s the thing: I’ve never had an endorphin rush from exercising. I do go into a state of orgasmic bliss when listening to loud rockin’ music.
This makes me think the whole exercise thing is bullshit.
Now, here’s a question for you (or the rest of the world). Why is it that my littlest one has hidden all of the scissors and where the hell are they?
pandemonic said,
November 21, 2007 at 6:51 am
Who has time to exercise? You’re right about the rush-I don’t get it either. My husband, though, gets enough of a rush to keep him up all night. This could be either a good thing or a bad thing. I’m like you, I fall asleep right after.
Maybe it’s a hormone thing?
pmousse said,
November 21, 2007 at 8:00 am
Sex — many more endorphins from sex. It’s good exercise too, right? And clothes aren’t even an issue then!
jojovtx1800 said,
November 21, 2007 at 8:41 am
Yeah, I gotta go with sex as well, exercise sux.
tigereye said,
November 21, 2007 at 2:56 pm
The only reason I would ever set foot outside my house at 8 a.m. to run is my iPod. I can’t so much as walk briskly without it. A few weeks ago the battery died with a quarter-mile left to run and it stretched out in front of me like a highway to hell, which would’ve been a good song to listen to except the fucking battery died!…
heathenly said,
November 21, 2007 at 3:21 pm
I was once actually AT the gym, realized I forgot my iPod, said, “Fuck it” and went home. I tried it before, and I think I did 15 minutes of treadmill set at 3. It was like I suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome. Too hard to move. Neck was hurting from trying to read the type on the TV screen. And of course I was in front of a sports channel. Barf.
iPod MANDATORY. I should post my embarrassing gym playlist.
stevo said,
November 21, 2007 at 4:07 pm
You CAN stab someone with safety scissors. It’s about point of impact I’d love to see Jackie try.
I would agree with MC P Mousse, sex is the way to go. There’s a post at my place about acquiring a partner if you need one.
iPod? For fuck sakes. Corporate shill. I have a record player in a backpack. Old school, baby.
Bobby Goat GRUFF! said,
November 21, 2007 at 6:29 pm
This morning on my way to work after reading this post, I was thinking about doing naughty things with scissors. Something like a decade ago, I had a close friend who made a running joke of running with scissors. And, she had a beautifully biting wit. So you reminded me of her. Also I thought about just how funny it was that you included the brand name. It gave me a warm kind of giggly feeling — almost affectionate.
Sorry to be all mushy on you.
I think the fact that our upstairs toilet isn’t not even attached to any pipes at all has made my brain less sharp.
Bobby Goat GRUFF! said,
November 21, 2007 at 6:31 pm
OH MY GREAT FUCKING LAUGHTER BUTTON! Stevo: I didn’t read your comment until after I’d written my mushy thing above.
A record player in a backpack! You remain hilarious!
heathenly said,
November 21, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Steve, I know I can always count on you to believe in me and back me up. I can totally stab someone with safety scissors. It’s more painful that way.
Record player in a backpack. Fucking priceless.
thelittlefluffycat said,
November 22, 2007 at 8:05 pm
I can testify to one’s ipod being useful for running through the radio in an aging VW in order to put more miles on it for a holiday drive.
Me? Run? with or without an iPod? Purr-lease….
stevo said,
November 24, 2007 at 3:50 pm
I only run when being chased, if there is money in my wallet.
midwestocean said,
November 26, 2007 at 5:51 pm
Shit, I do love to work out, but I know what you mean. I actually hate listening to music when I’m working out – it distracts from the voices in my head telling me either to go for it or to throw in the towel.
One time for a class I had to run five miles straight. I’m telling you that sucked major donkey dicks. Somehow I put myself in a trance and completed it, but I haven’t run five miles since.
Oh, and one of the last times I ran a friend of mine died, which probably had nothing to do with the actual running (although I also ended up buying a black dress that evening prior to hearing the news) but I always blamed the running for bringing me such horrible news.
a weekly wrap-up said,
June 6, 2008 at 3:57 pm
[...] Didn’t Know Which President is on the American Dime. A very funny read. Jackie waxes poetic on endorphins and iPods. This post contains one of the best comments ever left on [...]
kookimebux said,
February 1, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Hello. And Bye.
RaiulBaztepo said,
March 28, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Hello!
Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language
See you!
Your, Raiul Baztepo