What Adult Women Talk About When Instant Messaging
(Originally published January 20, 2007, on Gather)
So many teenagers think that instant messaging is a generation-specific phenomena invented by and designated for the use of the age 12-20 crowd. This assumption neglects to take into account that many of us adults were instant messaging back before the teen crowd knew how to read, write, or format a hard drive.
I have read over my son’s shoulder and have chatted with his friends online, and their conversations consist of numerous “inside joke” acronyms and lame insults. It’s not especially interesting stuff. I’m sure that my son thinks that my instant message exchanges are similarly boring.
Not so.
They’re quite vile, actually. What men are credited with saying in a locker room, women exchange online. To wit- a partial transcript of an actual saved instant message from today, between a friend and myself, regarding a male daycare employee who wants to hold my hand and take long walks on sandy beaches (under the moonlight, natch):
(The following reprinted with the permission of “LT”)
LT: I was thinking you had a new boyfriend, I mean Stalker
Me: always
Me: the daycare boyfriend is totally fucking out of control
LT: What’s daycare boyfriend doing? Complimenting your Jewish features again?
Me: no, far less subtle
LT: Licking you?
Me: skulking around the parking lot, waiting for me to leave so he can apprehend me
LT: EWWWWWWWWWW
Me: emailing me constantly
Me: CALLED ME one day
LT: No way. So gross. Only because he’s poor, I mean
Me: (i left him holding on call waiting while I talked with Char, until he hung up)
Me: and ugly
Me: and weird
Me: and has British teeth
LT: I figured. He’s obviously not hot, since you hadn’t mentioned.
Me: um, yeah
Me: he looks like a poor man’s Drew Carey. Scary, eh?
LT: Oh, no. Bill has British teeth. And is poor. and ugly. What the fuck was I thinking? Good on you for not dating Bill.
Me: Thanks!
LT: You betcha.
Me: His emails are fucking CREEPY.
LT: Read me one.
Me: and I didn’t give him my email OR phone #.
Me: let’s see…
LT: WHAT?
LT: How did he track you down? Is it on file at the daycare, for emergency contact? Get them to fire him. That’s just wrong and bad.
Me: he got my email from the published daycare directory; my phone # from the parent sign-in list
LT: Tsk. Tsk, I say. Bad daycare guy. Bad.
LT: Report him, at least. Do it subtly and bitchlike, but do it.
LT: You know, for my amusement.
Me: “Damn Beautifull,
You still alive?I’m missing you,hope you’re feeling better.Ifyou waanna do
something tomm evening,the best show on TV comes back tomm night.I’d love to
watch it with you,I know you’d be hooked.I think its at 7.Let me know one
way or the other.Hopefully I’ll be home by 6.”
Me: Keep in mind that I rarely reply to any emails from him, and when I do it’s one sentence and tepid.
LT: NO WAY! “I’m missing you”???????? WTF!
Me: “Jackie,
I’m going crazy over here!I don’t know if you’re online,but let me know if
you are.I’,m worried about you and I’m bored!”
Me: He’s Dave, but even weirder
LT: Tell him your herpes is flaring and you’re uncomfortable sitting for long to watch TV.
Me: His emails are so inappropriate
Me: there is zero foundation for calling me beautiful or saying he misses me, etc.
Me: He probably dreams of fucking my dead corpse
LT: Ask him if you smelled funny the last time he saw you, or if he noticed anything on your pants. Tell him “I would ask my friends, but they would all be weirded out, since I didn’t tell them about the discharge when we had sex last.”
Me: You just made me puke in my mouth a little.
Me: he’d probably think that was a come-on line
LT: Well, duh, that’s the point.
Me: ewww
LT: The puking, not the comeon interpretations.
Me: oh, okay then
LT: It’s so fucking cold here.
LT: My nipples are permahard.
Me: hmmmph, wouldn’t know anything about cold
LT: Which is fun, since they’re all irritable and pregnant itchy.
Me: thanks for the nipple update
LT: You can always count on me for nipple updates.
Me: OMG! I just found THE BEST ONE.
LT: LT: your source for nipple updates, online anytime.
LV: I’m all aquiver
Me: “Jackie,
It was nice to see you just now,I know how busy you are-but you said this weekend is open (i.e., I couldn’t think of a lame excuse fast enough) so how do you feel about picking a day and time for Quiznos-that way I can tell my Dad in advance.How about 12 on either Sat or Sun?Come see me tommorow AM(I’m in at 7)if this works for you.I won’t check my e mail again until tommorw night,though if you e mail that this works I will get ti on time.Again,it was good to see you.Hope you’re having fun at Target,I’ll talk to you tommorow.
Evan(Friends call me E or Evanator,if you wanna use a nickname)
Me: Thankfully, I came down with a hideous cold.
Me: He keeps inviting me to Quizno’s- because he has coupons and a gift card for Quiznos. Which he told me.
LT: Holy fuck! hahahahahahahaahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa is he FOURTEEN!?!?!? OMG, I’m literally laughing like a loon alone in my den.
LT: OMG stop, I’m gonna pee
Me: “Evanator”
LT: Evanator o my fuck
Me: Oh yeah, Evanator, oh yeah, harder, harder, YEAH…
LT: Evanate me, baybee
Me: oh, I think I just had an Evangasm
LT: Was it really good for you? Tell me, so I can let my dad know
Me: oh, yeahhhhhhhhh
Me: “Jackie,
As much as I wanted to go home and die,I felt it more important to e mail you.I have been so looking forward to getting in touch outside of the daycare prison,where the walls have ears.I really feel like I can be myself with you.This is a rare quality for me to find in anyone.There have bben very few people in my life that I have been able to be as free with as I feel with you.Outside the daycare I think I will be able to be even more free with you.The peolpe that I have felt this free with in my life are my closest friends.Friends that I will have for life.I kinda suck at keeping in touch long distance,but my two closest friends from NY are still two of my closest friends.OK
Me: OK
LT: OK? OK what? “Ok, do you want to be my soulmate and be free with me ? Check one yes[] No[]
Me: dammit, the second part won’t paste in
Me: “now I’m rambling,there is a lot more I waana say to you,but I need to go eat.Again,my # is [mercifully deleted].I look forward to talking to you.See you around
Evan”
LT: He is how old, really?
LT: Does he live with his parents? Do they drive him around?
Me: he’s 35.
Me: he’s only been on his own for… 8 years?
LT: OMG hahahahahaha
Me: No, but up until recently, they paid his car insurance
LT: FUH REAK
Me: he goes to Star Trek card game playing tournaments
Me: that’s my Evanator!
LT: What have you said to him? Anything like “NO NO NO NEVER EVER NEVER”?
LT: Because I’m thinking that’s what it will take.
Me: Um, I had daycare staff lie to him about a boyfriend, I’ve told him I never, ever go out
LT: You should have loads of practice at that by now, o collector of clingy spaz stalker freaks
Me: then he started saying, “Just as friends!”
Me: Do those emails sound like he wants to be friends?
LT: I think this is a case of “you MUST be mean. MEAN.”
Me: I knowwwwww
Me: I don’t know how to do it
LT: He totally wants to be friends. With your vagina.
Me: yeah, I thought so
Me: he’s even hinted around about hey, if I was your boyfriend, you’d save a ton of $ on childcare expensez
Me: :-X
LT: How to do it: pretend he is an annoying adolescent boy (not difficult, since he is).
LT: Then say, “I SAID NO.”
Me: then slap his hand?
LT: That is so disgusting.
LT: Yes, but not in any way that can be interpreted sexually.
LT: So leather belts are out.
Me: omg- the bestest part is that he’s recently started up comments about how he’s been hurt before, so he has a hard time trusting… like, WTF does this have to do with me?
Me: note to self: no leather
LT: He’s been hurt before because he’s had imaginary relationships exposed as, you know, imaginary. is my guess.
Me: He’s been hurt before by Canadian supermodel girfriends, is my guess
LT: No leather at daycare,yes. No leather as a life philosophy is a bit extreme. There are shoes and coats to consider.
Me: well, I just meant in this context, of course
LT: He’s been hurt because those Vulcan girls like it rough.
Me: oooh, Vulcan chicks are HOT & DIRTY!
LT: And emotionless. And logical.
Me: logically dirty
Me: “yes, insert your penis into my appropriately moistened vagina.”
Me: “now thrust at well-spaced intervals”
LT: You are not hitting my fun button. Ergo, I will not orgasm. Do not make me give you the death grip.
Me: brb, all the Vulcan sex talk makes me want to pee
LT: Oh, Evanator, mind meld with me!
Me: I think I just Evanated…
Me: (or are we going with “Evangasm?”)
LT: Wouldn’t he have an evangasm to know you just typed “Evangasm.”
Me: prolly
Me: maybe I should copyright or trademark it
LT: he’d want half the profits. and he’d want you to admit it means he’s totally your boyfriend.
So now you know. We’re petty, mean, snarky, and we will cut and paste your stupid emails into our instant messenger windows just so we can mock them. Instant messaging was invented for adult females, and the teen crowd should bow down before us for our trailblazing work with instant messaging.
Recognize.
